::
3/1/26, The Last Word
I wasn’t the biggest fan of the pregnancy process.
Helplessness with Julia through all the physical challenges, the emotion that came to an epic crescendo during the birthing process. “Dizzy and Exhausted”, always in my head. Too heady for my own good. Long and drawn out. It was a drain. 9 months felt like 5 years.
There were some cool moments.
Sharing the news with my parents. Sharing the name with my extended family in person. Feeling Jack kick for the first time after coming back from a Paul McCartney show. All cherished memories. I developed a deeper love for my home. The media wall and CD + vinyl collections. Organizing thousands of photos. The build out of the baby room. The quiet nights.
I always knew this would be true.
The challenges in losing (and grieving) my own individuality. The anxiety in keeping this baby alive. The 24/7 attention to survival. The lack of sleep. “Baby Proofing My Life”. The chaos ahead. Challenges stacked. When Jack comes, all of those challenges will come true. But I will also have a daily dose of reward. A smile. A laugh. A nap. A centimeter of progress in one of a million things that make up a human. Daily reminders that what I’m doing is extremely cool. So I welcome the challenge — as I so look forward to the daily reward from the challenge.
The desire and anticipation of both the challenge and rewards that come with the challenge. You trust that this is the light at the end of the tunnel.
The test of patience that was pregnancy, probably good for me. Not fun, but maybe necessary in what lies ahead.
Now that Jack is in this world, I have a very intense sense of appreciation and gratitude for the moments of reward that I’m gifted with many times, every day. And the ability share a bottle of wine with my wife again.
It was worth the wait.
::
Heart Dumps on 216, 1222, 101, 816, 710
Pllaylists - Drumroll, Minimals
::
2/16
On January 27th I wrote:
It's just been quiet and peaceful in my brain. Content, excited, relaxed. A big jump from the emotional swirl in the earlier days. Nice to see it all come together. There's a feeling of accomplishment there. I'm ready.
I think ever since that day, it's also been a "could be today" in my brain. Ready and eager. Too much so. I think the pent up excitement bubbled over. This whole pregnancy has felt like multiple years. This past couple weeks have felt like six months. The intense build up. Any moment!
Hanging at the house for an extended weekend. Didn't do any errands, because we've done all the errands. We stocked up at Costco and now need to return for the stock up round 2. I was holding off on the photo project for after Jack arrived. The photo project is now weeks behind us. I bought this album in anticipation, waiting for Jack to arrive for its inaugural spin. It's collecting dust.
I suppose in some ways this connects to the swirling stereotypes of first babies and third babies. The "extra" that goes into everything for the first, and the "chill" that goes into everything for the third. I'm trying to inspire third child energy, but I'm having my first, and it's showing.
I needed to re-wire, float back into the clouds. Take an eagles eye on the situation. Connect to what actually matters.
Healthy Jack is all that actually matters.
I wonder what I can do to connect back to that in the future, as I will surely need the reminder when I get whirled up on some other stupid thing that doesn't actually matter.
Pulling that from the subconscious and into the conscious. Maybe I write it on a piece of paper and put it on my wall.
"Healthy Jack = Good Day".
Likely my last blog post before Jack arrives. Happy to shut the door on this chapter. Happy to welcome all the emotions that go into this adventure ahead.
::
1/27
It's just been quiet and peaceful in my brain. Content, excited, relaxed. A big jump from the emotional swirl in the earlier days. Nice to see it all come together. There's a feeling of accomplishment there. I'm ready.
1/17
Morning Chat: I think if the baby were to take after me, he will jump out of Julia as soon as possible to start the epic adventure. If he takes after Julia, he will take after a koala -- cozy and fully content. It's my hope that he will take after Julia. I'm also ready for this pregnancy thing to be over.
1/25
The complexity of baby bottles, the quantity of pieces. You hear "you're always washing dishes". Well now I get it. I don't believe I've washed my Soda Stream bottle more than once a month. Not the same game over here.
1/12
I found this, smiled, and immediately purchased the vinyl on Ebay. There was some divine nod. All the emotions. In one beautiful package.
12/24
I maintain my conviction around dogs. Might there be a new ceiling of love that I discover? Life’s greatest joy? An unlock to a higher state of being? Yeah, sure. But you don’t know Blu. Blu is my best friend.
::
12/22
It appears, I’ve been hiking through the vast red rock valleys of Southern Utah. Beautiful forest, huge rocks, big inclines, and epic views. The world is my oyster. My body hurts, but I’m having a lot of fun.
Then I stumble into the Narrows in Zion. The “womb” of Mother Earth. A slot canyon with orders of magnitude energy. The vast beauty condensed into a hallway of towering rock walls hundreds of feet high. Completely consumed, I slowly make my way through the river, and with each turn I become more amazed than the last. I keep going. This is new. This whole thing is epic.
2025 was a weird year.
On one hand, there’s joy and excitement for the new life ahead.
On the other, the process of “bringing a human into this universe” was more emotionally taxing than I anticipated.
I’m still working through that process, and my guess is that it will be a long process. There are a lot of dimensions to it.
I wish I weren’t so heady. But I am. It’s my greatest strength. And my greatest weakness.
Life Just Got Narrow
Chatting with friends? Now we’re chatting about pregnancy. And the “new life” and challenges that await us. Every time. It’s more annoying than helpful. And I’m good on your unsolicited advice.
With Julia, it’s the main topic of discussion, a daily pulse on the shifts of each day as the baby grows from an olive to a canteloupe. I feel helpless to help.
And, most prominently, within my own head, those thoughts seem to be a constant trickle of rain.
Some rain is good. I appreciate the time to prepare.
Rain all day every day is bad. Flash flood alert.
It’s just been too long. There’s only so many times you can have someone tell you, or think to yourself, “say goodbye to sleep”. I’m exhausted of the topic of being exhausted. I get it. I’m ready to start.
Presence and Long Term Perspective
Presence is a noble and aspirational goal. Enjoy where you’re at. Don’t look ahead. Focus on now. I value this as a leading principle.
Long term thinking also relevant. A few years is nothing in the greater story of one’s life. Before you know it, the baby is a kid, and then a teenager, and then an adult. And you are on your own again with the rest of your life to experience on your terms. Enjoy each stage. Consider the bigger picture.
Finding the right balance between these two is tricky in practice. The presence of 2025 feels long and drawn out. The long term thinking seems so distant. The past nine months has felt like years. How this all comes together in the next year feels lightyears away.
Longest days, shortest years.
Yeah.
Not sure that’s “energizing” in concept or practice.
These pieces are part of the process. A lot of the time, it’s hard to think of this process as fun. But I’m looking forward to the rewards. It’s the cake on the carrot, as they say.
Rewards
The challenges in losing (and grieving) my own individuality. The anxiety in keeping this baby alive. The 24/7 attention to survival. The lack of sleep. “Baby Proofing My Life”. The chaos ahead. Challenges stacked.
I’m sure there will be moments, when I look back to where I’m at now, and say in a frustrated and sarcastic tone — “what rush, bro?”.
But where I’m at now lacks reward. It’s like waiting in a very long line. With each hour in line, or month in pregnancy, I get slightly more irritable and frustrated. No reward, just slightly less people in front of you in line.
When Jack comes, all of those challenges will come true. But I will also have a daily dose of reward. A smile. A laugh. A nap. A centimeter of progress in one of a million things that make up a human. Daily reminders that what I’m doing is extremely cool.
So I welcome the challenge — as I so look forward to the daily reward from the challenge.
::
12/12
Just hit 30 weeks. 10 to go. 30 weeks is a really long time. It's too long. The waiting and thinking is good. But 30 weeks is too much. Kinda cool to be able to feel him kick. But I'm ready for more pain and more gain.
Broadly -- just thinking of the words I wrote on 10/17 all the time.
12/7
A lonely weekend. There's a weird dynamic on the realities of a shifting social reality. An open weekend, hoping for fun and spontaneous friends. But that's not how social dynamics are working these days, and that's a big reason I wanted a kid in the first place. But in these final weekends of "freedom" -- there's a natural push to "do stuff" -- and it's hard when it doesn't all come together. It's ok.
12/1
Just finished the "giving birth" class. Lots of info. Key takeaway. Every baby is different, every experience is different, there's no way to prepare, hire a dula who knows their shit, they'll know what to do. Could have been a 5 minute class.
11/14
Time is a trip. When a homie has a baby on the way. It goes from pregnant to baby to kid. Your so on the outsides of it. It's like "whoah -- your baby is a fucking kid". The pregnancy phase seems like a moment.
Then you're in it. And the pregnancy thing just seems to be a forever process. Time suddenly shifts and it's so slow. Day by day. It's the routine and default topic of conversation. Julias belly gets bigger one day at a time. And its hard to notice progress when your living it every day. I thought about this when thinking about the terrible twos. It's one year. That seems impossibly long. It's been 6 months with Julia and I and it's felt like a decade. I don't think it's good or bad. It's just scary.
10/24
While hanging with a friend, I asked how he manages having three kids, building a startup. He replied with “non negotiables”. A weekly solo hangout with his wife. Dedicated time each week with each kid. Those blocks within the week become his top priority. Work comes second to those things.
Made me think of my Tuesdays at 3:30 blog post. I’m doing that for myself already — but expanding that out with intention, knowing that my life is going to become increasingly harder to manage. Weekly solo time with Julia. Scheduled. Ritual. Weekly solo time with baby. Scheduled. Ritual.
Easy to apply. And also easy to miss.
Intention is the key to life. If you’re not proactive, you’re reactive. If you don’t say “this is what my life is”, the world will say “this is what your life is”.
10/20
Found this online today.
Parents are the ultimate entrepreneurs. One who takes great financial and emotional risk in order to create something beautiful that makes the world a better place, with no guarantee of success. They put everything on the line for something they believe in with no promise of return. It’s the boldest of all ventures.
10/17
People giving me their "grand wisdom" in having kids is starting to annoy the fuck out of me. I GET IT. MY LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE. YOU NEVER SLEEP. LIFE IS GOING TO BE SO DIFFERENT. IT'S MAGICAL. I'm so over it. The tidal wave of unsolicited advice is starting to trigger me massively. I DIDN'T ASK. (and you also kind of suck).
10/14
Shared the name over the weekend. A family name that I knew would be a very popular pick with the Renfros. I cried, Julia cried, Meemaw cried. We were all happy in that moment. It was heavy and cool and fun and awesome. Everything was right in that moment. It's official. Let's gooooooo.
10/10
"I don't want to be friends with my kid. I want to raise them in a way that they want to be friends with me" (thank you Josh)
10/7
Injected perspective. We left the doctors office after the big anatomy scan. Dozens of pictures of every nook and cranny of this dudes body. A special shout on his penis, which was the "best I've ever seen" from the doctor. Thank you, but he didn't get it from me. We walked out with "everything is normal and looks great".
If the news was anything but that, it would have thrown us off the rail. I know what that news feels like.
It's one of those, "hold up, let's have a moment for gratitude". I could have easily just moved on with my day -- but I've been very intentional to think about how lucky I am to have "normal" "average" "no issues" check in. I know many people do not share that luxury. I have a deep sense of gratitude around that being the case for me. Something to really focus on and fully capture in my head.
10/5
Been thinking a lot about presence. This whole process is one with many stepping stones. Important to keep thinking about taking each one as it comes. Not getting too far ahead, and applying presence to every step in the process. This is a marathon. And I'm trying to embrace every single step.
10/3
Been thinking a lot about socialization. I want my kid to be around adults. I want to speak to my kid like he's a little adult. I think there's something to that. The best kids I know have a lot of access and interaction with adults.
::
10/1, "Monster"
We got the text from the doctor while driving from an epic hike (Maple Loop in the Northern Cascades). It was my birthday. This was maybe the single biggest piece of news in my life to date.
I’m honestly confused how people wait till the birth for the gender reveal. I was so eager. It took a lot of self control to wait an hour so we could do the reveal while not driving.
The honest truth is I was hoping for a girl. I had reservations about having a boy. I know myself. My parents have shared many stories. I feel bad for them.
I think I’m cool. But I know I’m a monster. I thought, if we have a boy, I’ll think it’ll be more like me. Cool, but also a monster.
Julia is so sweet and mellow and calm and clean. My perfect balancing force. Her parents have also shared many stories. The sweet and loving little girl. She’s cool. And not a monster. I thought, if we have a girl, she will be sweet and mellow and calm. Not a monster.
The gender reveal was a temporary heart drop. I had “manifested” the girl in my head. I had a gut feeling (though, with 20/20 hindsight my gut is gross and also a monster). An immediate wave of “oh no, what have I done!?!?!”.
But over the past six weeks, I’ve become so excited about having a little dude.
While I hope we bring a sweet, quiet, mellow, calm, and clean little human into this world. I’m equally excited to bring in the mini-me monster. In either direction, it will be fun and an adventure.
I dream of nights out in the park playing catch. Going to baseball games.
And introducing him to Metallica and death metal and mosh pits.
And shooting hoops. And playing disc golf. Or learning ball golf together.
And going on long hikes and pulling our dicks out to piss into the vast horizon.
A homie.
Who knows where the tides will take him. I hope he takes after Julia. But I’ll be equally stoked if he takes after me. I’m ready for the monster. I couldn’t be more excited.
::
9/29
I felt baby boy kick for the first time. Coming off an epic Paul McCartney concert. I think we were both buzzin. Super stoked. Can't wait.
9/20
A sharp eye on the kids and parents around me. What do I like? What makes this work? What can I replicate? Who do I model after? Jaime and Olly are at the top of the pyramid. I wanna be like them.
9/2
I'm excited for my brothers to be uncles. I think about my uncle Bruce and how much that meant to me as a kid. That's going to be fun. Someone recently said "you can see your kids personality reflect other people in your family". I look forward to that, and having their influence around.
::
8/16
This swirl of emotions, compounding in complexity, a tornado of sorts.
Layer on a full sprint into a wall with work. The known feeling of an empty gas tank. Dizzy and exhausted.
Those two coupled together had me all mixed up. The hard reset was needed.
So I scooped up my most reliable friend. A heavy dose of LSD. I needed to think. To unpack the subconscious. To compartmentalize all of the different pieces. A sort of “spring cleaning” of the mental closet, which was overflowing. Organize the brain.
The macro dose of LSD is an important piece of the JADO puzzle. It’s been my guide through many inflection points in life. As we get older, the appeal of the “macro dose” may seem immature, but I believe it’s the most critical piece to who I am. It had been over a year since my last intentional macro experience, and I was well overdue.
I had a pleasant stroll from my house down to Petco Park, roughly seven miles. A good push to get my body and mind in rhythm.
The Wednesday 1:00 day game is one of life’s greatest hacks. The best form of hookie. The chaos of people, noise, sun seem to be a great combination for me and LSD. I’m a veteran of this game.
I picked an empty section in the upper right field. Pure sun, no shade. Baking. Headphones were on, full blast, and shuffle was an eclectic amusement park. Little worm holes of metal, country, piano, electronic, jam, Beatles, french, jazz. That would pair with little worm holes of thought. Concentrated attention to the raw thoughts being surfaced. Slowly and surely organizing it all. Seeing the progress in orchestrating a tidy mental closet. Enjoying the game (and also not caring at all). Loving the sun. Fully immersed. The hard reset in full swing.
With work the mess was easy. A very pragmatic evaluation of my emotions towards things, the ability to put everything in its appropriate place. It was a needed exercise. The view from the weeds was causing stress — I need the eagles eye view — the full view of the trail. I was on the right track. Just needed to pull back and ease the self imposed stress.
The dad stuff was a different animal. I think partly because it’s all so new. I’ve had 15+ years of practice on the work stuff. It feels that every new turn / challenge / emotion is brand new on the dad stuff. It’s exciting. Even in these early days of pregnancy, I’m starting to grasp these philosophical frameworks that are widely distributed amongst my dad friends. I know that will only get more real, intimate, and joyful with each chapter in the journey.
Unlike the work stuff, which felt more tangible, pragmatic, and easy to grasp. The dad stuff was processed around feelings and energy. A dominating blanket of optimism. Understanding there being a complex web of emotions — but finding an organic pull to those emotions that leaned positive. Excitement and hope and joy. Letting go of the “what ifs”, and putting faith in the universe that things would play out in my favor. A practice of manifestation. Trusting my friendly North Star. Stay Positive. Finding peace and comfort in the sacred first principle. And feeling that with authentic truth. An unlock.
Everything came to a head in the 8th inning. Five hours into the journey. Feeling like I was making massive progress on all the stuff.
Rainbow came on shuffle. And a tear broke from my eye. And then a flood of tears. A complete emotional release. Sitting alone in the upper rafters of PetCo park. All alone. In the middle of a day game. Balling my eyes out.
Tears of joy. A full heart. That inflection point in emotion and perspective. One of the most meaningful moments of my life. Completely stabilized
Rainbow was our first dance. The song that Julia and I chose together to be our anthem. A deeply rooted message that had a much more profound influence on me than I could have ever known. The sense of connection and love and values that are weaved into the core fabric of the song. Another North Star. These are first principles. This is what I will raise my child with. This is everything.
The morning after I tried to write about it. I was kinda lost for words. I didn’t know how to put the words to what I felt.
With a few weeks of perspective, I’ve felt a massive shift in my positioning around being a dad. The leading emotions of optimism and excitement and joy have made life better. It’s a powerful shift. One that I will link back to in the future. A first node of learning and emotional processing and perspective in the long journey ahead. I am pumped.
::
7/10
The absolute swirl of emotions that come in constant, random, and subtle waves.
Excitement. This is something I’ve been wanting for a year now — with the extreme feeling of readiness in the aftermath of a month of constant travel last July. Coming back from that and knowing that this was a chapter that I had absolute conviction in. Those waves of conviction and excitement are the best. I can’t even read the letter I wrote Julia back in August. Knowing it will make me cry.
Guarded. After the massive ups and downs involved in the first two cycles. Everything involved. Overwhelmed when that dial said “pregnant”. The shifting realities around drinking and hot tubs and “normal life”. The massive downs when it all ended. And the huge after swell of emotion in the weeks after that I couldn’t quite understand or process with logic. Deep swells in the subconscious that impacted me in unexpected and unpleasant ways.
A Lack of Control. With the sways of physical and emotional swings from Julia, I feel a complete lack of control. I wish I could take all the pains from her, as my tolerance is a better fit for the pain. Feeling helpless in those moments in the middle of the night when she’s going through bad cramps. Helpless in the tears that come out of nowhere.
Apprehensive. About the realities of how my life is going to fundamentally change. The love for the week long 80 mile backpacking trip. The 25 days of skiing. The free flowing carefree travel that I can drum up on a dime. Knowing those things I love will fundamentally shift in a direction that will cause me stress and frustration.
And More Apprehension. Around health. The only desire is for a heathy child. Knowing that health is a luxury. And having zero control over that aspect. And knowing that apprehension will be something that expands over an extremely long horizon.
Hope. That this experience lives up to the hype. That what everyone’s been saying is true. That good health will be in our favor. That the life experience will be deeply enriched, and the best chapter is ahead. Hope that I will be a great dad. Hope that the kid will be the coolest. Hope that all these pieces come together.
I wish I could just index on excitement, but in reality, all of these emotions are in constant flux -- and many of these are not the exact emotions that drive excitement.
And how to manage these emotions. New uncharted territory. 15 years of practice in managing and manifesting emotions around work and life. The known challenge in that process. The known process that there’s no switch but a very long and ever evolving spectrum. The known reality that this is going to be a long and complicated challenge . The known interconnectedness of mindset, emotions, spirituality, and physical.
And with that known connection and deep interconnectedness — a desire to manifest the right positioning, energy, thoughts, emotions, and spirit in the process. Knowing that these things are all connected and important to have right. Also knowing that it is infinitly easier in theory than in practice.
How to apply that in the small moments. In the day to day. How to establish the right default setting. How intensely important the “Stay Positive” mantra is in this moment.
So I write. To remind myself. And I write. To influence that default setting. And I write.
7/3/25, A Letter From My Dad
I love you little one.
On July 3, 2025, a week ago tonight, I learned our family is expanding. The start of the next
generation, a beautiful child created by your mom and dad. With courage and hope, they
have walked a quiet road to bring you here.
You are the best joy in life, more love than a heart can contain. My grand-daughter or son, I
can’t wait to hold you, to welcome your new life into our loving family.
Since I saw your tiny picture, I’ve prayed every night for your health, safety, and protection.
As you grow, our own anticipation grows with you.
Though the journey ahead still feels tender, we carry a growing joy - quiet, reverent, and
strong. Like a sunrise, your presence is just beginning to show.
To a blessed life full of joy, we love you, your parents love you, and your family loves you.
Before you were born, God knew you. He ‘knit you together in your mother’s womb… you
are wonderfully made.’
As I felt with my own sons, I can’t wait to love you, hold and cherish you for the rest of my
life. No matter how long I’m granted, I wanted to be sure I spoke these words to you.
I love you little one. We don’t know what the future holds, but I do know this - I can’t wait to
laugh with you, to hug you, and to hold you in my arms.
Papa
::
When it rains, it pours
But you didn't even notice it ain't rainin' anymore
It's hard to breathe when all you know is
The struggle of stayin' above the risin' water line
Well, the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors
Yellow, red, and orange, and green, and at least a million others
So tie up the bow, take off your coat, and take a look around
'Cause the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Oh, tie up the bow, take off your coat, and take a look around
Everything is alright now
'Cause the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
Let go of your umbrella
'Cause, darlin', I'm just trying to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Yeah, there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Mm, mm, mm