3/2/26
(Baby, won't you help me to understand?)
Love Bomb
It’s officially been one week and I am still all-consumed. So many dimensions of learning, love, and experience that I cherish. This exceeds all expectations.
I stare at his little face for hours a day. All his expressions. A slight brush of his face, and the twerked smile that follows. The yawn melts the heart. When he grabs my finger and squeezes. All the noises that sound like monkeys and dinosaurs. The whip of the head and kick off the chest when I'm trying to burp him -- feeling the strength of his little body. The slow stretch coming out of a long nap.
And most of all, I love the transition from fussy to peaceful. The accomplishment I feel in that transition. Hero status. The most precious little grunts after eating, while curled up like a koala on my chest. The quick take to the bottle and the pacifier, the mouth going into full "sucky sucky" mode. Dancing through the house, making up our own songs. The only one in the household who fully embraces my stupid crazy.
These moments are bliss and they are plentiful. In this honeymoon period, hoping it never ends. The reward is a steady trickle, filling the heart.
Healthy Jack = Good Day
This North Star has been one I’ve tried to link back to frequently. When in doubt.
Is Jack healthy?
Yes.
We’re all good.
Today is a good day.
We frequently take advantage of good health and the saying “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” is something I've tried to get ahead of. I’ve had friends with babies who had to withstand serious hardship. When those stories come up -- in the moment and in reflection -- I'm always clocking those with an acute attention -- and when I start my own pity party, those are reference points that help put things in perspective, especially when it’s 3am and I can’t figure out how to help him.
Sleep
The tough middle of the night stretches are real. In the moment especially, there’s a very real feeling of defeat. Crying at full volume over an extended period of time in the middle of the night is an earned experience.
No pain, no gain.
The feeling of joy when it all “works”. That joy is derived from the pain of those tough moments. Waking up in the middle of the night, working through the feed, diaper, sleep cycle in ~45 minutes, with no friction. You feel like you accomplished something truly heroic in that moment. And that’s real too.
I love the challenge. You channel the hardship into learning and growth. And the reward is so so sweet. These are life lessons I’ve developed, and the ease of application to this new thing has been incredibly fun.
Mindset, attitude, energy
I believe this is everything in life. But in this process especially — mindset, attitude, and energy is collaborative. While Jack can’t see or talk or do anything but eat, shit, and sleep — I sense there’s an energy collaboration. Good or bad. He’s going to reflect what I’m bringing to the table. So my ability to keep my own mindset, attitude, and energy in the right place has a huge influence on everything. And this is especially true in the harder parts.
In some ways, all of this is new. In this sense, the foundation has been well established. This is the singular "broken record" preacher seminar I've circulated to myself over and over and over and over and over.
The Secret Weapon
The Pacifier. Buying us hours a day in sustained peace and quiet. It’s truly incredible. There is something magical in this flow: Jack screaming --> pacifier in --> Jack quiet. I'm not sure how other babies self soothe, but this certainly feels to be the cheat code in that process. I feel as if I won the lottery.
Blu
Blu reacted exactly as one one expect. Sixteen years old, hard coded in her lifestyle, confident and crisp in her attitude. Slightly annoyed and mostly indifferent.
I will never forget that moment, in the first night of Jack being home, as he's screaming in the middle of the night -- Blu's head whips up from a deep sleep and stares directly into my eyes, with the clear message of "what the fuck", promptly following a request for the door to be opened for her to exit the premise.
I've cherished her judgemental looks, eye rolls, and facial expressions that indicate "this thing is too loud". While it was assumed Blu was essentially deaf at this point, Jack has been a good stress test, and Blu can indeed still hear.
I'm so happy that Blu made it to this point. Even though "the picture" -- an idealistic dream of Blu and Jack cuddled up, something I would prize more than anything -- seems unlikely, I feel we have a full home. Waking up this morning to the sleeping noises of Jack, Julia, and Blu, I was whole.
Maybe she'll come around. It's all good.
Family
Another one of those things that fall into the it's easy to understand what they say, it's an entirely different thing to experience it bucket. Seeing my mom and dad hold and love Jack is truly special. From the day he was born, and almost every day since, they've shown me a new dimension of love. Something that was hiding -- and the release has been magical. There's just something different to the love and care of a grandparent. To see that within my own family is a beautiful thing.
And a special nod to Christian, who showed so much intention and desire to show up as an uncle. The first to change his phone background to a picture of Jack. A new dimension in my relationship with my brothers, one that I look forward to developing in the coming years.
Time
In these past ten days, time has taken an entirely new shape.
Babies are a relatively simple formula. They sleep for a few hours, they wake up and want to eat, then after eating they get very sleepy. In the mix of that you change diapers and burp. You'll get small windows of cute engagement throughout the day, that mostly consist of funny faces.
These sleep / eat cycles happen every 3 hours, and they're mostly consistent and reliable. In theory, it should make for an easy and predictable schedule and day to day.
But for whatever reason, the days seem like they're jam packed. It seems daunting to get in multiple errands. Finding time to cook and eat meals is hard. Before you know it, the day is wrapping up. You accomplished very little, but it feels like the day was completely full. It's a fun puzzle and I appreciate the very nuanced tweaks each day. I'm figuring it out.
This isn't stressful. It's fun.