Week Two
Bill Evans on shuffle works every time
::
The physical growth is crazy. Jack looks and feels so different after one week. Physically he's bigger, adding weight (and rolls). I figured it'd be hard for me to notice as someone "in it" 24/7. I see it, I feel it, the pace is insane. And it's a reminder to really cherish every day. He's turning into a fat boy, and all is good.
::
Jacked pooped on Julia. It was hilarious. You gotta savor these moments. Mindset is everything.
::
The routine is a melting pot of weird and consistent and frustrating and fun. It's a challenge, a puzzle, that I seem to get better at with each day.
2:00 - 2:15 - wake up and get ready to eat
2:15 - 2:45 - eat and burp
2:45 - 3:00 - sooth and chill
3:00 - 4:00 - super sleepy
4:00 - 5:00 - in and out, up and down, waiting to repeat the cycle
5:00 - repeat
So within this three hour cycle, there's 2 hours where you can do all the other stuff in life. After 10 days I'm starting to better manage and orchestrate these cycles. Each day it seems I'm better and better at managing the flow, expanding each day to find the optimal rhythm and routine.
And also within this cycle, I'm starting to find predictable moments that I look forward to. His stretches and facial expressions while waking up from a nap. When he curls up like a koala on my shoulder after finishing a meal. These are my favorite moments, and I get them many times every day. This is the new fun.
::
I've thought a lot about moderation. The all consuming nature of this process has narrowed the windows for (the typical definition of) fun. Seeing friends, going to the gym, eating out -- these all transition to high luxury. The transition from excess to forced restraint is not something I grieve but something I appreciate. I enjoy seeing these translated into the mix.
Yesterday we had our first picnic. It was a weird sense of accomplishment. To pack up the car with all the right stuff, and to work through a feeding / diaper / sleeping cycle. Just hanging, listening to jazz, and soaking up the sun. There was a deeper joy in the experience.
Our first night out was especially amazing. Animae was an all time meal, and the post game martinis at the jazz bar delivered in all the right ways. The bar collectively celebrated the joyous occasion. The joy to have my best friend back, with a well deserved night out on the town to the tune of Michellan food, martinis, and jazz. Chefs kiss.
Disc golf just hits different. There's this feeling of peace and tranquility when I'm out there. A different energy. Fully present, bliss in the moment.
You work hard to earn these special moments. They weigh different than before.
::
There was this dark cloud of doubt on how Jack might impact my relationship with Julia. A big question around "this kid is now the most important thing in your life". It was a concern and a risk that we were both acutely aware of.
In these early days it's been such a joy to go through this together. Our care and attention towards one another has created a new dimension to partnership. After 16 years, we had a very strong foundation going into this. I've really enjoyed seeing how the existing foundation is starting to evolve and re-enforce itself. In the mix of the day to day there's so many little things that percolate -- and there seems to be a mutual desire to go extra on the little stuff, making life just a little easier for the other.
There's also something magical seeing the love, bond, and connection between Julia and Jack. It truly melts the heart. With each day, my confidence and anticipation for all that lies ahead grows. We're a good team, all of us. We're all learning and growing and loving together. It's a beautiful thing.
::
The steady trickle of friends and family has been so awesome, and I'm extremely grateful. Especially for my parents, who are showing up with an intensity of love that warms my heart. Words can't describe how thankful I am to have them so close.
Seeing and realizing the extended community of support around me has been cool too. The dads I most look up to, many times distant in their proximity, have been especially vocal in their support and stoke for me, which I've really appreciated. In periods like this, the "sup dude" or "send me more pics" texts are surprisingly meaningful. Its shown me a new way to show up for my friends.
::
Week Three
Dancing down the boardwalk. With me and the homies, Jack and Blu.
::
Blu is starting to show extreme bouts of guilt tripping. Constant stares throughout the day. Disdain at every turn. The sharp eyes of disappointment and guilt each time I hold my little guy.
The flip side to that, she's now cuddling in bed when I ask. She's galloping when I take her to the beach. Finding truth in the "moderation", though, not with the best attitude about the whole thing.
::
Creativity in body movement. Doing more with one hand. Awkward squats. Peeing outside. Complex feeding
::
There is a hidden majority in our society. A culture and community that hides in plain sight. A new world of exposure into the hidden language of parents. Walking in Mission Bay today, this revelation came into full scope. The acknowledgement -- head nod, smile, conversation -- connected to this "you have a baby and I can relate to you" reality I now exist in. A new world of connection.
In parallel, I can also see into my recent past. A world where parents and kids held virtually no relevance in my existence. When babies and kids are blanket ignored, and attention is indexed on the dogs. A warm embrace, smile, and comment about Blu. With baby Jack right there, completely ignored. These are also my people, this is my foundation.
I find myself at the intersection of these two worlds. One I know so well, and one that is being introduced in a slow and steady drip.
I suppose I'm glad there's this hidden world I didn't know about. The reality of a new social construct centered around this all consuming thing in our lives that we share in common. This is a piece of the puzzle that will take time to understand and embrace.
They say you never look back -- and I'm sure that's true for many -- but I'm eager for the work trips and the concerts and the baseball games with the boys. Those things are important. And it's a weird co-existence within a double reality that I find myself in. Embracing two distinct worlds, finding the best in both. Can you have your cake and eat it too? I think yes.
::
A new octave in his ability to get my attention.
A continued dislike of the changing diaper.
A new love of the right armed cradle.
A continued love of eating.
Sucky Sucky.
::
A watched pot never boils.
Jack gets the hiccups all the time. My mind will fixate on them. Then as soon as I forget, they dissapear.
::
Whoever claims to hold the universal truth in all of this is full of shit.
Whoever claims to hold their personal truth in all of this is in bounds.
Two people can look at the exact same thing and have two wildly different perspectives of that same thing.
::
Week Four
Sloppy as the inevitable reality setting in. That moment when the baby screams, and you are just not in the mood. Can't fight it. Can't fix it. No win. A solemn dance to DEVO. You can kinda make it fun, because DEVO is fun, but its a stretch.
Why couldn't the honeymoon last forever? Forever is the scary piece. I would hope all parents go through this emotional building block. When that reality bitch slaps you. We're a month into a lifetime.
Rational minds prevail. There's "this is hard" and there's "this is real hardship". We haven't gotten anywhere close to real hardship. Jack is healthy. Today is a good day.
Taking a page out of the Stay Positive book. Manifestation and intention and thought towards the known way to think about it in the right way. Even when there's lots of moments it may not be authentically felt -- there's a higher level compass pointing in the right direction that you can always come back to.
::
Physical creativity. The chin as the third hand. The skillful, ballerina inspired, baby squat. Peeing with a baby in your arms. Many new feats.
::
Another nod to Jaime, Ryan, and Ollie. The gold standard in how to go about all of this. I trust one day they will see this, and when you do, know that I was always your biggest secret admirer. Yall crushed it, and I hope to be as good as you.
::
Jack seems to take best to piano music. It's cool when you can see him physically respond to it. This song came on this morning and I saw his entire face perk up, which made me happy.
::
Time is a trip. Looking at each day, things look pretty calm and leveled. But reflecting back over the past month, it's been a fire hose of new inputs into my brain.
Thinking back on those early first nights back at home. The confusion and chaos that I approached it with, sourced from innocence. A desire to do it "right" and go "above and beyond" (e.g. dishes in the middle of the night). Things just settle in with time and reps. The process and readiness of the wake up in the middle of the night, the calm that goes into it, being punchy, all business.
In some ways you're settling in and understanding all of it better each day. And in other ways you're still lost in the mix. What worked yesterday, didn't work today. Fussy baby yesterday is calm baby today. Randomness in full swing. It's hard to predict what you're going to get.
The lack of rationality and logic can be frustrating, but I also know that all these inputs are building towards something, even if that full picture is not in view. A trust of the process. An intention to bring the right energy into each day. To have the best of intentions.
Two things I can count on every day. The "waking up from a nap" process and the post feeding snuggle. Those two things I cherish them each day. Those are predictable rewards I look forward to. I also love all his noises. Especially when he yells "GAYYYYY".
::
He's officially outgrown the first set of clothes. And upgraded into bigger diapers. A very friendly reminder that this whole thing moves fast. A desire to really manifest the "soak it in every day".
::
The quantity of hours on this little guy is truly insane.
::
Week Five
Solo Piano wins out. This on shuffle, with Jack showing his appreciation for the vibe occasionally.
This is my favorite track of the bunch.
::
This weekend we had an extended 2-3 hours where Julia and I could take a nap, wake up and make dinner, and eat the dinner at the table to the background of jazz music. The extreme appreciation for the quiet quality time with Julia at an all time high. The depth of enjoyment in that 2-3 hours is hard to put into words. It was everything.
::
When Suz sent the “hey network, give me your best tip, I’m about to have a baby” email to her network I responded with:
If you say poopy time is fun, it'll be fun.
That immediate reaction of “siiick duuuuude!!!! Your balls are green!!!!!!!”
There’s a practice to this.
::
Looking back into the first week, a haze of intensity. I realize now that I’m still in it.
Taking in a million inputs every day, trying to figure it all out, trying to enjoy the chaos, working through the frustrations, loving those moments with Jack, and also those moments with Julia.
Some core principles are starting to become more focused. Understanding these in principle, and feeling them in practice is rewarding.
Hardship = Growth, Growth = Happiness
Every day there’s a big challenge, and that challenge is rooted in Jack crying. Working through those periods and transitioning crying = peace is deeply satisfying.
Taking on the challenge and experimenting with different strategies to soothe the baby. Finding creative and fun ways to turn his mood is fun. The massage gun. The rapid kicking and punching. The high pitched dog noises. Piano music. The bounce on the ball.
All of these have worked, and all of them are inconsistent. It’s a constant guessing game. When it doesn’t work it’s really frustrating. When it works, it’s deeply satisfying.
Learning to love the hardship and challenge is the goal.
Mindset is Everything
Jack’s best days are when the house is quiet and happy. You can sense the impact of calm, cool, and collected. And even more noticeable when things are off, Jack is off. If I’m tired and cranky, it’s passed to Jack. When Julia and I aren’t in rhythm, Jack is out of rhythm.
It’s impossible to always be in flow. These days are long and hard, and when I’m tired I can be cranky. Life is up and down. Energy flows are up and down. I have good and bad stretches every day (and night) — but I’m highly intentional to try and be on the right side.
So there’s a lot of work on mindset. Working out. Going extra for Julia. Taking naps when I need it. Writing. These things impact my mindset, and work in my favor. Protecting that and over indexing on the need for these things becomes a daily pursuit — because life so much easier when Jack is chill. And Jack is more chill when I’m in a good spot.
::
Maybe we lucked out with a happy and easy baby. It’s hard to get a pulse on nature vs. nurture split. But I’d like to give myself some credit that the nurture stuff is working.
So far so great. Keep taking it day by day.