When it rains, it pours
But you didn't even notice it ain't rainin' anymore
It's hard to breathe when all you know is
The struggle of stayin' above the risin' water line
Well, the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors
Yellow, red, and orange, and green, and at least a million others
So tie up the bow, take off your coat, and take a look around
'Cause the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Oh, tie up the bow, take off your coat, and take a look around
Everything is alright now
'Cause the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
Let go of your umbrella
'Cause, darlin', I'm just trying to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Yeah, there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head
Mm, mm, mm
It'll all be alright
7/10/25 (months two)
The absolute swirl of emotions that come in constant, random, and subtle waves.
Excitement. This is something I’ve been wanting for a year now — with the extreme feeling of readiness in the aftermath of a month of constant travel last July. Coming back from that and knowing that this was a chapter that I had absolute conviction in. Those waves of conviction and excitement are the best. I can’t even read the letter I wrote Julia back in August. Knowing it will make me cry.
Guarded. After the massive ups and downs involved in the first two cycles. Everything involved. Overwhelmed when that dial said “pregnant”. The shifting realities around drinking and hot tubs and “normal life”. The massive downs when it all ended. And the huge after swell of emotion in the weeks after that I couldn’t quite understand or process with logic. Deep swells in the subconscious that impacted me in unexpected and unpleasant ways.
A Lack of Control. With the sways of physical and emotional swings from Julia, I feel a complete lack of control. I wish I could take all the pains from her, as my tolerance is a better fit for the pain. Feeling helpless in those moments in the middle of the night when she’s going through bad cramps. Helpless in the tears that come out of nowhere.
Apprehensive. About the realities of how my life is going to fundamentally change. The love for the week long 80 mile backpacking trip. The 25 days of skiing. The free flowing carefree travel that I can drum up on a dime. Knowing those things I love will fundamentally shift in a direction that will cause me stress and frustration.
And More Apprehension. Around health. The only desire is for a heathy child. Knowing that health is a luxury. And having zero control over that aspect. And knowing that apprehension will be something that expands over an extremely long horizon.
Hope. That this experience lives up to the hype. That what everyone’s been saying is true. That good health will be in our favor. That the life experience will be deeply enriched, and the best chapter is ahead. Hope that I will be a great dad. Hope that the kid will be the coolest. Hope that all these pieces come together.
I wish I could just index on excitement, but in reality, all of these emotions are in constant flux -- and many of these are not the exact emotions that drive excitement.
And how to manage these emotions. New uncharted territory. 15 years of practice in managing and manifesting emotions around work and life. The known challenge in that process. The known process that there’s no switch but a very long and ever evolving spectrum. The known reality that this is going to be a long and complicated challenge . The known interconnectedness of mindset, emotions, spirituality, and physical.
And with that known connection and deep interconnectedness — a desire to manifest the right positioning, energy, thoughts, emotions, and spirit in the process. Knowing that these things are all connected and important to have right. Also knowing that it is infinitly easier in theory than in practice.
How to apply that in the small moments. In the day to day. How to establish the right default setting. How intensely important the “Stay Positive” mantra is in this moment.
So I write. To remind myself. And I write. To influence that default setting. And I write.
::
8/16/25 (month three)
This swirl of emotions, compounding in complexity, a tornado of sorts.
Layer on a full sprint into a wall with work. The known feeling of an empty gas tank. Dizzy and exhausted.
Those two coupled together had me all mixed up. The hard reset was needed.
So I scooped up my most reliable friend. A heavy dose of LSD. I needed to think. To unpack the subconscious. To compartmentalize all of the different pieces. A sort of “spring cleaning” of the mental closet, which was overflowing. Organize the brain.
The macro dose of LSD is an important piece of the JADO puzzle. It’s been my guide through many inflection points in life. As we get older, the appeal of the “macro dose” may seem immature, but I believe it’s the most critical piece to who I am. It had been over a year since my last intentional macro experience, and I was well overdue.
I had a pleasant stroll from my house down to Petco Park, roughly seven miles. A good push to get my body and mind in rhythm.
The Wednesday 1:00 day game is one of life’s greatest hacks. The best form of hookie. The chaos of people, noise, sun seem to be a great combination for me and LSD. I’m a veteran of this game.
I picked an empty section in the upper right field. Pure sun, no shade. Baking. Headphones were on, full blast, and shuffle was an eclectic amusement park. Little worm holes of metal, country, piano, electronic, jam, Beatles, french, jazz. That would pair with little worm holes of thought. Concentrated attention to the raw thoughts being surfaced. Slowly and surely organizing it all. Seeing the progress in orchestrating a tidy mental closet. Enjoying the game (and also not caring at all). Loving the sun. Fully immersed. The hard reset in full swing.
With work the mess was easy. A very pragmatic evaluation of my emotions towards things, the ability to put everything in its appropriate place. It was a needed exercise. The view from the weeds was causing stress — I need the eagles eye view — the full view of the trail. I was on the right track. Just needed to pull back and ease the self imposed stress.
The dad stuff was a different animal. I think partly because it’s all so new. I’ve had 15+ years of practice on the work stuff. It feels that every new turn / challenge / emotion is brand new on the dad stuff. It’s exciting. Even in these early days of pregnancy, I’m starting to grasp these philosophical frameworks that are widely distributed amongst my dad friends. I know that will only get more real, intimate, and joyful with each chapter in the journey.
Unlike the work stuff, which felt more tangible, pragmatic, and easy to grasp. The dad stuff was processed around feelings and energy. A dominating blanket of optimism. Understanding there being a complex web of emotions — but finding an organic pull to those emotions that leaned positive. Excitement and hope and joy. Letting go of the “what ifs”, and putting faith in the universe that things would play out in my favor. A practice of manifestation. Trusting my friendly North Star. Stay Positive. Finding peace and comfort in the sacred first principle. And feeling that with authentic truth. An unlock.
Everything came to a head in the 8th inning. Five hours into the journey. Feeling like I was making massive progress on all the stuff.
Rainbow came on shuffle. And a tear broke from my eye. And then a flood of tears. A complete emotional release. Sitting alone in the upper rafters of PetCo park. All alone. In the middle of a day game. Balling my eyes out.
Tears of joy. A full heart. That inflection point in emotion and perspective. One of the most meaningful moments of my life. Completely stabilized
Rainbow was our first dance. The song that Julia and I chose together to be our anthem. A deeply rooted message that had a much more profound influence on me than I could have ever known. The sense of connection and love and values that are weaved into the core fabric of the song. Another North Star. These are first principles. This is what I will raise my child with. This is everything.
The morning after I tried to write about it. I was kinda lost for words. I didn’t know how to put the words to what I felt.
With a few weeks of perspective, I’ve felt a massive shift in my positioning around being a dad. The leading emotions of optimism and excitement and joy have made life better. It’s a powerful shift. One that I will link back to in the future. A first node of learning and emotional processing and perspective in the long journey ahead. I am pumped.