4.23.26
Month Two
This piano playlist is killing it. Especially in the middle of the nights.
It's funny how night time has evolved.
Originally it was a deliberate wake up. Locked in, lights on, TV on, get ready for a one hour plus sesh
Then it was a lights off, TV on, short episode on YouTube (this!), ease into a 45 minute sesh
Now it's a no TV, piano music, let's get back to bed in 25 minutes sesh
Fast Track.
So many things going through rapid evolution in parallel. Diapers, packing, bath time, burping. It starts with intention, and in a matter of weeks it all becomes second nature. A flow state develops on its own after a thousand hours of practice. The density of time is still a trip. Zero to one hundred.
The visitors have come to a trickle. The parents are now fully open for business.....when I drive to them. The texts have stopped. People are back to their busy lives, and we are an after thought. We're on our own. And I appreciate it. A welcomed forcing function for Julia and I to find our own flow state. It's cool.
I feel comfortable outside of the honeymoon period. A dose of sadness in that statement, but again, rooted in appreciation.
As I reflect back on that first month, it was a haze. They said "make sure to write it down" and I'm glad I did. Everything moving so fast. Drinking from a fire hose. Chaotic and fun.
In a recent conversation with friends, I reflected on the value of having a kid later in my 30s. In 15+ years of work, I've experienced so much chaos and learned to manage it. Especially with work -- and startups -- the stress and volatility and cycles -- kind of primed me to turn chaos into fun. Linking the energy of a startup to the energy of a kid -- and the merits of managing your own energy in that environment. There's something there. There's a weird sense of calm with all of this.
I truly loved the seven weeks of paternity leave. What a gift. For both Julia and I to have that ability to spend every day figuring it out as a team. Lost together in the honeymoon. All the long walks in Mission Bay and park hangouts. Figuring out the zoo and figuring out how to optimize sidewalks. I will look back on that time with great memories. The preface to the book was dark and grim (pregnancy truly sucked) -- this first chapter -- a full 180 -- absolutely epic.
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I'm officially back at work. It's actually the best. Never would I have ever expected to love work like I do in this moment. A very pleasant surprise.
Jack is all consuming.
It was annoying to spend attention on "when did Blu poop?" "was the poop good?" "when does she need to poop again?".
This is like that. But a billion times worse.
It's actually quite annoying to be spinning through all the questions all the time. "when did he last eat?" "when will he need to eat again?" "what should i do between now and then?" "do we need to wash the bottles?" "is he comfortable?" "do we need to change his outfit?" "was that a fart or a shit?" -- this question series could literally just go on forever.
And that's okay -- it's part of the deal. IT'S NOT ALL PROS HAVING A BABY.
The cons are more than counterbalanced with the pros.
When this little guy stares at my face and smiles, it eliminates the annoyance of the brain racing stupid fucking questions.
And every once in a while you'll just soak into pure presence. Fully engaged in that smile. And we officially have a new category of peak life moments.
And as before.
"when the world stopped for just that moment. a peak life moment. i live for them, and I have them at volume".
I kinda feel like that smile, in that moment, in complete presence, is worth the whole fucking deal.
It's that reward I so desperately looked forward to. The process to get here. Long, hard, painful, stressful, expensive.
Worth it.
::
Anywho
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Work is the best. There's three components to this.
1) Breaking from the never ending question cycle that I don't enjoy
2) Adults, most of whom I truly enjoy as people, talking about adult stuff
3) The juniors on my team, all of whom I truly enjoy as people, and none of them having any remote idea of what it's like to have a kid, so they come to every conversations with zero questions or acknowledgement, and I absolutely love it
Never really considered "talking to adults" to be a huge benefit in your job? Truly a pleasant surprise. Work is now -- an earned break from the density of Jack -- and the feeling that you're hanging out with friends.
It's also really fucking hard.
Putting in a solid work week, and also supporting Julia without child care is not easy. The constant distractions. The huge energy shifts to go from baby --> work --> baby --> work. Trying to be supportive to Julia. And also do things for myself. Trying not to give up on working out. Scheduling the surgery for next week. Previewing daycares and interviewing nannys. Waking up at 5:45 and going on a 2 hour walk, trying to run through your East Coast contact list. Taking care of Jack for an hour while on work calls. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Not over caffeinating throughout the day.
I'm genuinely enjoying the challenge. It feels like every day is productive. It feels good to say no to things. Moving fast makes the days go by fast. Its fun to go fast. I'm trying to flip the script of fast days, long years.
After six and a half years at Wefunder, there was a natural feeling of "stagnation". I had come to a certain acceptance that my professional growth was limited by staying put -- and that was an intentional decision. I actually don't know if that's true, but I felt some element of that. I felt jealous of my peers who were jumping jobs and hitting the gas professionally. I also valued having agency and control of my schedule, time, effort, and life outside of work. Both were true.
The daily challenge of balancing work and family. I sense that my subconscious was craving challenge. And I feel challenged at the perfect level.
And I'm doing a good job with it. Mental game is strong. And that feels good.
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Other Musings
The baby carrier as the full stop cry stopper is my favorite little device. Even more fun when Jack was able to turn around, and now see the world as we walk around. I love being outside and doing stuff with him. He's good homies with the nice lady at 7/11.
I love the walks.
Last year my credit card maybe averaged around ~3k every month over the past couple years. It's now at $800. Almost all of which is 7/11.
The best music to play is the Beatles. Crazy range and lots of sing a longs. Right now I'm digging early Beatles.
Doctor Bob loves Jack and is the sweetest doctor of all time.
Sometimes his cries are super cute. Sometimes.
The 6:30 PM, 9:30, 4, 7 AM routine is insane and it feels like a serious hot streak. That's easily been the biggest unlock. To have every other night loosely be full sleep, and every other night be a ~30 minute efficient feeding, and have that actually be consistent over 2-3-4 weeks. A deep appreciation for good luck.
The core values remain in tact. Stay Positive, Be Kind, Do Your Best, Have Fun. Healthy Jack = Good Day. I think I'm scoring well on these. Another one I might add to the wall is "Presence Wins". You can get lost in the chaos sometimes, but there's a noticeable click in with presence that I've noticed. It's a good and welcomed reminder.
When talking to a friend, he shared how with his first two kids he was eager to keep progressing to each new stage. But with his third he was very intentional to not wish time away and enjoy each stage. That aligned nicely with my "third kid energy" approach to all of this. Don't wish time away. Enjoy each stage.
Moderation -- today's Saturday morning -- gym --> steam shower --> disc golf -- in a rare 3 hour solo window -- a deeply felt appreciation for the basics.
Mindset -- starting to think about the art of practice, and how for many years now, I've circled on this topic of mindset, and how this is the ultimate test of mindset, and how I've been practicing for this with all of that. It started with Stay Positive back in college, and it's taken many forms and stages over many years. It feels like its all coming together in some weird way.
These themes intensify with time. And time is dense.